On the road to self-discovery, we look at the complexities of quelling validation seeking behaviors, setting healthy boundaries, and cultivating self-worth through introspection and authenticity
I’m a regular guy - thirsty for The Divine Feminine Energy found here abundantly via your fierce writings and exchanged with your readers. If I may….
Most of the recipes above can be fulfilled via a thorough and honest dive through The Twelve Steps with a Sponsor who has done the work. Everyone who does them deeply - unburdens and finds a connection with Divine Sovereignty within their Magic. Pssst: It’s free.
Everyone in the rooms bears the imprint of Dark Tetrad trauma. It was never safe to form boundaries as our self-advocacy invited further attacks. Numb was a clever Spiritual Solution.
From this purchase, as a PSA, I will quote Gavin DeBecker’s “The Gift of Fear”: men are afraid women will laugh at their unwanted romantic advances. Absolutely true - I hate it. I never once have been concerned about being overpowered.
Women are afraid men will rape or kill them. He says to trust your gut and be disagreeable - risk being called an unpleasant name. And please don’t slip into Accommodative Agreeableness when your life is at stake. I and many others will have your back. Our guts know a wiser Truth than our heads or conditioning.
I recognize the need to have a strong internal sense of self and we do not exist in a vacuum. The stories we believe about ourselves are handed to us at a very young age and it seems as though, on some level, the larger the discrepancy between what we need to hear, and what our parents, communicate, the greater our struggle to find validation elsewhere, even in ourselves.
As a father, with four kids, two of whom are girls, I have been listening repeatedly to ‘Banks’ by Needtobreath and asking myself how I can be what my kids need without removing their agency or undermining their own sense of strength and capacity.
Demi of Starfire Codes!!! Thanks for this. I took one part and used it as quote in my Substack today, and the synchronicities this week drawing me to work on self esteem - well, let's just say they're interesting. And persistent. ;) https://rightfootforward.substack.com/p/my-next-painting-and-akseli-gallen
I speak to the same issue in regard to the locus of self esteem (for men and women.) We are wired to fairly judge ourselves. That tower of blocks stands or doesn’t. We are pleased or not. The locus of self esteem is displaced particularly in school settings. You do or do not get a star on your work. Children are trained to look outside themselves for judgement. Note: parents can do also displace this with the best of intentions. If they gush and compliment their children, they are not ‘giving’ their clild good esteem. They are conditioning the child to seek it, again outside themselves. As a child therapist I would withhold any judgement; a child brings me a picture; I reply, ‘I see you use a lot of blue.’ After a few weeks of this, a child happily hands it to me saying (one way or another), ‘I like it!’ Aha….mission accomplished. The locus of fair judgement has been reactivated within the self. To your point, Demi, time alone, thoughtful consideration, recognition of strength and weaknesses allows the evolution of our knowledge and assertion of who we are.
Excellent post; it certainly applies to women, but it also applies to men. The authentic self-examined life is the best life; while that takes serious and honest (often brutal) self-examination, what is often takes is self-discovery.
The magic word here is discovery, because we have to find out who we are when we become adults. Up to about age 5, before we start formal education, we know who we are. But once we attend school, enter the workforce, get married, etc., our knowledge of our Self is hidden behind layers of societal expectations.
It often takes many years to remove such layers, through means of self-discovery, therapy, meditation, friendships, etc. I have found keeping a journal is helpful in one's journey toward an authentic self, which is at the core of self-fulfillment and contentment.
I only focused on women because it was the original focus of the conversation and it was specifically what Coleman had wanted me to address because he had written his post about women and I am one. If you feel you're also getting value out of it as a man or that men would too, even better! Thank you! 🙏🏻💜💫
Wow, thank you. This subject has been little more than disembodied thoughts in my head that needed words. I think of these sort of things often as I am on the cusp of having a teenage daughter. A most helpful and concrete thing to have, thank you so much.
Thank you. Great writings in self worth and self love. It has to begin somewhere if it's not taught at home. Nathaniel Brandon's books on building self esteem are a great start.
Hallelujah! Preach it Sister!
I’m a regular guy - thirsty for The Divine Feminine Energy found here abundantly via your fierce writings and exchanged with your readers. If I may….
Most of the recipes above can be fulfilled via a thorough and honest dive through The Twelve Steps with a Sponsor who has done the work. Everyone who does them deeply - unburdens and finds a connection with Divine Sovereignty within their Magic. Pssst: It’s free.
Everyone in the rooms bears the imprint of Dark Tetrad trauma. It was never safe to form boundaries as our self-advocacy invited further attacks. Numb was a clever Spiritual Solution.
From this purchase, as a PSA, I will quote Gavin DeBecker’s “The Gift of Fear”: men are afraid women will laugh at their unwanted romantic advances. Absolutely true - I hate it. I never once have been concerned about being overpowered.
Women are afraid men will rape or kill them. He says to trust your gut and be disagreeable - risk being called an unpleasant name. And please don’t slip into Accommodative Agreeableness when your life is at stake. I and many others will have your back. Our guts know a wiser Truth than our heads or conditioning.
Rock On! 🙏🏼
I recognize the need to have a strong internal sense of self and we do not exist in a vacuum. The stories we believe about ourselves are handed to us at a very young age and it seems as though, on some level, the larger the discrepancy between what we need to hear, and what our parents, communicate, the greater our struggle to find validation elsewhere, even in ourselves.
As a father, with four kids, two of whom are girls, I have been listening repeatedly to ‘Banks’ by Needtobreath and asking myself how I can be what my kids need without removing their agency or undermining their own sense of strength and capacity.
Demi of Starfire Codes!!! Thanks for this. I took one part and used it as quote in my Substack today, and the synchronicities this week drawing me to work on self esteem - well, let's just say they're interesting. And persistent. ;) https://rightfootforward.substack.com/p/my-next-painting-and-akseli-gallen
Thank you so much for the shout - beautiful piece!! 🙏🏻💜💫
Oh wow this hit like a ton of bricks. My whole life!! Thank you I really appreciate it.
🙏🏻💜💫
I speak to the same issue in regard to the locus of self esteem (for men and women.) We are wired to fairly judge ourselves. That tower of blocks stands or doesn’t. We are pleased or not. The locus of self esteem is displaced particularly in school settings. You do or do not get a star on your work. Children are trained to look outside themselves for judgement. Note: parents can do also displace this with the best of intentions. If they gush and compliment their children, they are not ‘giving’ their clild good esteem. They are conditioning the child to seek it, again outside themselves. As a child therapist I would withhold any judgement; a child brings me a picture; I reply, ‘I see you use a lot of blue.’ After a few weeks of this, a child happily hands it to me saying (one way or another), ‘I like it!’ Aha….mission accomplished. The locus of fair judgement has been reactivated within the self. To your point, Demi, time alone, thoughtful consideration, recognition of strength and weaknesses allows the evolution of our knowledge and assertion of who we are.
Excellent post; it certainly applies to women, but it also applies to men. The authentic self-examined life is the best life; while that takes serious and honest (often brutal) self-examination, what is often takes is self-discovery.
The magic word here is discovery, because we have to find out who we are when we become adults. Up to about age 5, before we start formal education, we know who we are. But once we attend school, enter the workforce, get married, etc., our knowledge of our Self is hidden behind layers of societal expectations.
It often takes many years to remove such layers, through means of self-discovery, therapy, meditation, friendships, etc. I have found keeping a journal is helpful in one's journey toward an authentic self, which is at the core of self-fulfillment and contentment.
I only focused on women because it was the original focus of the conversation and it was specifically what Coleman had wanted me to address because he had written his post about women and I am one. If you feel you're also getting value out of it as a man or that men would too, even better! Thank you! 🙏🏻💜💫
I like that, women have been regarded as inferior too long, for some in accord with the Bible.
Wow, thank you. This subject has been little more than disembodied thoughts in my head that needed words. I think of these sort of things often as I am on the cusp of having a teenage daughter. A most helpful and concrete thing to have, thank you so much.
Thank you so much, Jenn! 🙏🏻💜💫
If my brain wasn’t so fried I’d write a response piece like I did w stones story bc I have soooo much to say on this topic. Well done. 🙏
Thank you so much! And respond whenever you want to!! ❤️🥰❤️
Thank you. Great writings in self worth and self love. It has to begin somewhere if it's not taught at home. Nathaniel Brandon's books on building self esteem are a great start.
Thank you so much, Ann!
Hope they help someone.
So do I. 🙏🏻💜💫
Helped me.